Coping With Grief Through The Holidays

Today's blog is a bit longer - my prayer is that it will help those of you reading it and those in your lives who need help facing these next few days and weeks!

Two Helpful Resources:

"The Art of Dying:  Living Fully Into the Life to Come" by Rob Moll

"Helping Those Who Hurt: A Handbook For Caring And Crisis" by Barb Roberts

The holidays are coming and this may be your first or second without your loved one.  What do you do to get through this huge wave – this tsunami, looming before you?  How do you cope when every time you turn on the radio in your car, turn on the television, go to the market, you see those around you with an ‘in tact’ family, with a holiday smile, and you are literally crumbling inside?

There is no right or wrong way to respond when grieving – particularly grieving through the Holiday Season!  We and sometimes those in our lives have the erroneous notion that we are all going to grieve just like someone else. Each family member, each widow or widower, each child, each parent, each grandchild, each grandparent, each friend grieves as an individual.  Though we are not alone on our journey, it is definitely an individual journey.  And I want to remind you – GRIEF TAKES AS LONG AS IT TAKES!

Not ALL of the following suggestions will be right for YOU.  In the same way that grief is an individual journey, grief help is also individual.  There are very few ‘should’s’ here… Some of you agonized through a slow, painful death with your loved one; for others it was sudden and traumatic. 

I would guess that some of you wish you could go to sleep and wake up on January 2^nd, when the holidays (Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years) are a memory and the New Year has begun.  Then there may be others who are afraid for what the New Year will bring, and in fact, may struggle with the New Year – when all is supposed to be new.

Here are some hints (in no particular order) about getting through the holidays when grief may be all you see:

1. Do what brings genuine comfort, even if it seems odd to others.
2. Keep the traditions that have the most meaning for you but feel free to start new traditions.
3. Brace yourself for the wave effect.  You’ll be cooking a turkey, doing fine, congratulating yourself about how well you are getting through the day, when stirring the gravy reminds you – or a favorite carol, or a color, or an ornament.  Another way to describe it is a ‘dip in’ to your grief.  It comes unexpectedly and can throw you!  Allow yourself to ‘feel the feeling’ of grief – even if it only lasts for a brief time.  At those times, give yourself permission to grieve, to cry, to stare off into space, to remember.  In fact, sometimes it is helpful during a given day to just allow the ‘flooding’ to come – find a quiet, safe place and give in to the tears.  Having taken the time you need to do that, you may better be able to interact with your family and friends during other parts of the day.
4. Lean on your faith in our loving God.  Jesus says, “Come to me all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”  God has promised to never leave us nor forsake us.  In Psalm 23….Our Shepherd has said that HE walks beside us through the valley of the shadow of death, tenderly caring for us as a shepherd cares for his sheep.
5. Speak of your loved one whenever he or she comes to mind – no holding back for fear of depressing yourself or others, including no holding back the tears or expressions of sorrow that naturally flow.  Do one special thing to commemorate how much you miss your loved one. 
6. You might feel ‘guilty’ for experiencing pleasure and joy during the holidays – that somehow you are being disloyal to your loved one.  A grieving family had written that they intentionally gave more thought to each holiday task – from wrapping presents to mailing cards…appreciating them as time-honored rituals instead of dreary chores to be gotten out of the way.   Again, REMEMBER what I said earlier – not all of these ideas will be the right thing for everyone!

Tips for helping children grieve through the holidays:

Children need to have something to help provide them with a memory of that special person they lost.  Whether it is the loss of a sibling, parent, grandparent or friend, allow the children to help pick out something so the whole family will remember that loved one.  Buying or making a special ornament for the tree is a memory builder for upcoming Christmases.    Pick two or three traditions that will not overwork you.  If a friend or relative can help put up the tree and decorate, this is helpful.  Because adults find it difficult to face the upcoming holiday, sometimes they will try to keep busy and thus schedule too much.  This is the time when parents and children get very tired.  Lots of rest is important at these times.  Remember – sometimes SIMPLE IS BETTER!  If you have small children, allow them to do something nice for others; this can give special meaning to them and to you, and certainly to the recipients.

I cannot emphasize enough - There is no single way or answer to the question – “How do I get through the holidays.  There is not a ‘right way’ and a ‘wrong way!’  It is an individual and an individual-family process.

Plan for the approaching holidays.  Be aware that this will most likely be a difficult time for you.  The additional stress may affect you emotionally, cognitively, and physically; this is a normal reaction. Stress is an incredible drainer!  (No wonder you get tired more quickly and easily!)  It is important to be prepared for and recognize these feelings.  Recognize that holidays won’t be the same.  Be careful not to isolate yourself, though it is understandable to need some private time. Some people find it helpful to be with family and friends, emphasizing the familiar.  Others may wish to avoid old sights and sounds, perhaps even taking a trip.  Identify your fears.  This will help you deal with them.  Perhaps even discuss them with someone you trust.

Be realistic – know your limits…what can you do…what can you NOT do?  Don’t expect others to ‘mind-read’ you and know YOUR limits!  Be watchful of ‘energizers’ and ‘drainers!’  We all have people in our lives who energize and drain us – and particularly during this time of grief, it’s very important to have a balance – weighing heavy on the side of the energizers.  Your energy will be quickly drained anyway – be careful not to spend an unhealthy amount of time with things and people who drain you.

Put within your life and schedule healthy habits – eating, sleeping, exercise – go for a walk.

Children/teens do not grieve in the same way or have the same needs that you do.  Include them in decision-making for holiday events, gatherings, traditions, decorating, etc. – foods, gifts.

Listen to an 8-year old as he describes the Jesus of Christmas, the Babe in the manger, the one who has promised to never, ever leave us nor forsake us…“His Father appreciated everything He had done and all His hard work on earth, so He told Him He didn’t have to go out on the road any more.  He could stay in heaven.  So He did.  And now He helps His Father out by listening to prayers and seeing which things are important for God to take care of and which ones He can take care of Himself without having to bother God.  Like a secretary, only more important, of course.  You can pray anytime you want and They are sure to hear you because They’ve got it worked out so One of them is on duty all the time.”

While this story is sweet and may cause us to chuckle a little, our Father is definitely on duty ALL the time.  He loves you, He understands your pain – the Book of Hebrews tells us that we have a High Priest (Jesus) who understands ALL of our weaknesses and ALL of our pain and ALL of our sadness and ALL of our suffering and ALL of our loneliness.

He speaks to us with words of understanding and comfort and hope -

 “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” – Psalm 34

While grieving is individual, your pain is your pain, your journey is your journey – the commonness of your suffering is that He IS close to the broken-hearted and has promised to NEVER, EVER leave you nor forsake you!

God Bless you and walk beside you on your journey of suffering!